Do you ever feel like the world is swallowing you whole? All 10 months of this year I've been swimming in that sensation. To be honest I guess I should say I have felt like this for the last 34 months. Nothing before Feburary of 2011 really compares though. Not even close to an ounce of comparison to the months from Feburary until this very day. Feburary is when my mom was diagnosed with Stage IIII lung cancer. And my whole life changed.
I'm setting here, in our local emergency room, watching the most admirable, strong man I've ever been blessed to know. My dad. Due to many factors that, at this moment, I'm too angry to discuss, I'm watching him smother & suffer needlessly. This is our second ER visit in 3 weeks. In between those he has been hospitalized for 8 days. He's going to be admitted once again today.
He is enduring all of this while grieving the loss of his wife-best friend-confidante of 42 blessed years, my mom, in April of this year. He is fighting to live, fighting to get better. And I'm angry. Angry at what has him to this point. Angry that carelessness & disregard for others runs so rampant in todays world. Angry that I have to see my dad suffer so & even more angry because I'm doing so after seeing my mom suffer the last month of her life. Selfish? Yes! I'm human & I am going to have this moment to be selfish. I'm going to be angry at the world. I'm going to be angry at all the controllable & uncontrollable factors.
I'm going to take this moment to be selfish before the world swallows me up. I'm going to cry because I love my parents so & don't want life to not have them in it. I'm going to scream because there's too much emotion & not enough time or patience in the world to let it out. I'm going to rejoice because God is holding my moms hand now & she's not in pain. Rejoice because I know He has His arms wrapped around my dad. And I'm going to sit in the silence of my fear & take comfort in knowing God will always be by my side. I'm going to hold my head up & make it through anger & all because I have four beautiful boys that look to me to make sure how to deal with things. I'm going to do my best to show them the best way. I'm going to take in every moment of everyday & cherish the good & bad because I've been blessed beyond measure. And when my selfish moments over, I'm going to take deep, slow breaths and go forward.
Amy, very difficult days for sure. Take in every moment and cherish them. Your parents have been blessed with a wonderful caring daughter. Btw, my wife and I have 6 boys, all grown, but certainly keep our lives full. ~ Micheal
ReplyDeleteThank you Micheal. I appreciate that. I am but a reflection of them in so many ways. I do my best to cherish every moment. Sometimes there's more emotion than I can handle :). That just happend to be one of those days. :) We have four boys, they're all still small but they grow so fast. It pays to learn to cherish every moment for sure!
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